Bathroom Bumpup: Toilet Toils

Once the bathroom floor was all set, we were in a frenzied rush to install the new toilet that resulted in a potentially ripped and corroded pipe behind the wall, requiring not one, but two "Holy shit, what time does Home Depot close on New Year's Eve?" (answer: 5:00 p.m.) and "CRAP! What about Menard's?" (8:00 p.m., bless their discount-hardware-sellin' hearts) moments. Sadly, at 9:00 (after all hardware stores closed to ring in the new year), we realized we were one pipe short of a working toilet.

The horror.

And so, we set about living toilet-less for a third night, confident that our troubles would be gone by 9:00 the next morning when Home Depot reopened.

The short-lived (foreshadowing!) joy. 

I woke up on New Year's Day to the most glorious sound known to DIYers of a one bathroom home: the sound of a toilet flushing, because Hubs got up early and exchanged the short pipe for a full-length one, thus ending my reign as Queen of the Throne-less.

A cat in a fresh-out-of-the-box toilet.

Sadly, this joy was only temporary. After two days of bliss, we noticed a small leak. Upon trying to fix the leak, we realized how horrendously old and nasty the phlange (the piece that connects floor to toilet) was.  A quick call to our back-up emergency plumber revealed that because the pipe was original to the house, it might not be fixable without (brace yourself) going at it through our basement ceiling. You know the one - it's the ceiling we spent hours crippling ourselves over as we rebuilt it just two years ago.

Now, we were potty-less for a fourth night. We laughed, we cried, we binged on Jimmy John's.

Ken, our plumber, came to inspect the toilet yesterday. Lo and behold, his original diagnosis was worst-case scenario and it's actually a really easy fix. Stranger things have happened, right? This old heap of bricks sometimes magically cures itself.

AND SO.

We have a functioning toilet again. I hope my dainty and ladylike musings on this subject haven't turned you off my blog forever. I just felt compelled to share the trials and truths of this harrowing tale with you all. And really, what you don't know about those four dark nights is saving my dignity.

After all, a true lady doesn't kpiss and tell.